Anjan’s Story

How did you hear about All Kings? 

I kind of fell into it through a rabbit hole. I was just looking up masculinity on Youtube a year ago, and I came across Eldra Jackson’s TED talk, where he spoke about his experiences doing this kind of work in Folsom Prison. I was curious, so I watched The Work, and it bowled me over. Doing this kind of work, and doing it with men who get very few resources put in their direction, and very little love and compassion in general -- I wanted to be a part of something like that. And so I reached out to Eldra and he connected me to All Kings. 

And how was your first weekend? 

It was so powerful. I got so much more than I even thought was possible. Like, I couldn’t believe that this was something available to me, and that I was worthy of. It felt like I stumbled upon this beautiful place of men just being together in a way that I knew was possible but only in a utopia. I thought men would be able to be this way together once we’ve gotten done with all this other shit. But I didn't realize we could create a space like that now.

What do you think that first weekend shifted in you? 

The biggest thing was my own perception of myself. I’ve grown in my life, but I’ve never thought of myself as someone who is capable of growth right now. Like, I still saw myself as still a child in a way, not able to handle the trials and tribulations of my daily life. But being in All Kings, and being surrounded by men -- and men I can see myself in -- I’m able to conceive of being that way. Like they are so vulnerable and open, and also strong and confident. I can see that they are real, and care for themselves, and admit that they don’t have the answers, and are constantly making it up. That was a wild realization for me. Like I saw in these men a kind of masculinity that I respected and could also be.

Is there a moment that comes to mind for you as being powerful? 

There’s actually a really simple one. I have this memory of sitting with Paul [an older All Kings man], at the entrance to the weekend. We were there to greet the new men coming, and I was feeling really nervous. Because who am I? How could I show up in the right way, and be in my king? And suddenly I felt all these doubts and resistance flood in. Do I really want to be here? This isn’t for me! I can’t do this! And just as I was feeling that, Paul happened to say something similar, some comment about how anxious he was also feeling. And there was something about him just naming it, and the way he said it -- his presence, his person. Like he was nervous but was also committed. And just hearing him shifted something for me. It was like I could see my self doubt more clearly, how it had nothing to do with what I actually wanted, and how I didn’t have to live in that feeling and justify it to myself. I knew I wanted to be there! I knew I wanted to be a part of this! Everything else was just my self-doubt, and stories I was making up to make excuses for feeling certain ways. It struck me how much I do that in my life. It was overwhelming, and I actually shed a couple tears. 

You talked about “being in your king.” What does that mean to you? 

Honestly, I felt conflicted because “kings” is generally very gendered language. Like, I don’t know if I would identify as being a king, you know? But then I came into the space, and I heard how it was being used, and the tone, and it redefined my relationship to the word. Like the first time someone called me a king, I could feel a part of me that resisted, but I could also feel another part of me that was literally born in that moment. Like, in my king, I am in a place of assuredness and support. I’m not alone, or holding power over other people. In my king, I’m standing on my own two feet, with a collective supporting me, and me supporting others. The first time I felt that it felt like a celebration, a moment of pride and togetherness. Now I Iove the word. 

Tell us about your experience in the community more broadly. 

Honestly, the community aspect is the biggest thing for me. As I was leaving the first weekend, I remember thinking, “Was this all for real”? Is this gonna be one of those things that are beautiful and powerful and great, and then gone? But it just kept going. The community feeling is so real, and so serious -- and by serious I just mean being real and honest, and serious in their commitment. It’s not just showing up, it’s an active involvement. 

In some ways, I realize now that my doubt about whether this would last comes from having male figures in my life in the past who said they were going to show up and didn’t. In general, too, I think it’s hard for masculine people to be enthusiastic about other men. Open attempts at connection or interest are seen as weird, or sexualized in some way. But that’s just something that prevents us from being together, and -- speaking for myself -- keeps me from deep relationships. But with All Kings I don’t feel that. I know I could hit up anyone at 1 am, and they’d be like, “Hey, man, it’s good to hear from you, and I’m trying to sleep.” (Laughs.) It would be all good. I don’t need to put up a front, because they don’t either.  

So what’s an edge for you right now? What’s something you’re working on? 

I thinks it's being intentional, and being in integrity with myself. The ideas of making commitments and sticking to them. I’ve never been very organized but after one circle I bought an agenda. Nobody in All Kings told me to do this. I just decided to honor my commitments to myself. And it’s working so far! If I write something in there, I do it. And if I can’t do something, I don’t write it in there. And I ask other men to help hold me accountable.

What would you say to someone thinking about coming on a weekend? Or even to yourself before you got involved?  

I would tell them to just consider it. I’d tell them to observe what’s on the website, and just take it in, and explore whatever kind of reaction they have. Especially as a masc person, or non-binary person, how do you feel coming into a space with men? Maybe just observe whatever comes up and be with it. And if there’s a part of you that is is longing for a connection with other male persons, then I would encourage you to explore that. 

If I was talking to myself in that moment, I would tell myself that what All Kings offers isn’t trivial. Building these relationships, making friends with people who are different than you is extremely, extremely valuable. It’s probably the most valuable thing you will do with your time in this life. You have a beautiful opportunity to change, and fundamentally change your relationship to men and masculinity, and also your relationship to your self. Because the relationships I have with other people are the relationships I have with myself in a big way. 

I’ll say this too. As men we tend to not allow ourselves to receive love, and receive meaningful attention. There’s a mentality that we have to do it on our own. And often times when we’re facing the option of love, we want instead to lean on our power, and our independence, and our isolation. That’s something I was taught. But there are ways that love can be held, ways it can be trusted. And if I were to talk to myself I would say that All Kings is a place where I can trust where people are coming from. And it is a hard thing to find, but it's one of the pillars of All Kings, that trust.